How does romantic attachment style develop?

When we find ourselves in a relationship, we often find ourselves falling into a rhythm of behavior. It eventually becomes fairly predictable. This is actually a good thing. By being consistent, we are able to offer out significant other comfort and understanding about how we will behave. At least, this is the goal.

Relational patterns vary. We learn them over the course of our lives starting with our parents or other primary caregiver. This is the basis for what we refer to as ATTACHMENT THEORY. Our early experience sets expectations for what love looks like.

Types of Attachment:

This starts when we are babies. As our needs are met for food, warmth, affection and attention we learn that we can count on the people in our lives to be there for us and to meet our needs. This is the basis for secure attachment. We don’t necessarily know what we will be getting sometimes. If our needs are met, but inconsistently, we can develop what is referred to as anxious attachment. Children who are neglected, meaning their needs are not met, develop avoidant attachment. This means that they didn’t have anyone to play with them and show them warmth and affection. The final style is the most tragic. It develops from environments that involved abuse or other forms of trauma. These chaotic circumstances often lead to disorganized attachment style.

The way this generally works is: the more important the relationship, the greater the influence. That’s why parents are often cited as the largest contributing factor. They are so critical in early development.

Others’ influence:

Keep in mind we are not totally ruined by our relationship with our primary caregivers. We learn over our lifetime from everyone we meet. We may not get all of our lessons on relationships from our primary caregivers. A friend’s parents may give us warmth and affection. Aunts, uncles and grandparents can step in.

Our relationships with peers can also add to our developing concept of love and affection. The strength of bonds with our friends can influence our ability to attach to others in a healthy manner. A close group of friends, the beliefs that they hold and how it affects you are huge factors when we are in those middle school/high school years. 

Major Events:

Events factor in as well.  The more significant you consider the incident, the more influence it will have. A best friend could betray you at some point. The person who you thought of as your first love might not return the sentiment. These painful experiences and how we cope with them continue to shape the way we attach. Do we draw inside of ourselves? Do we run away from relationships? Do we reach out to our friends for help?

Romantic Relationships:

Our attachments are refined with every romantic partner that we have. If you dated the same person all through high school or had a new relationship every week your view will be different when it comes to seeking romance. The good, bad and ugly all become part of our history. Imagine what your view of relationships would be if you were drawn to angry people because you thought they were powerful. Does that sound like a place to develop a long-term loving relationship? If you don’t have some insight into your choices, your trajectory will never change.

Coping methods:

The way we choose to cope and how successful we perceive it to be will make it more likely that we will do that way in the future. Like any habit, these coping skills can be good or bad. Getting out of one bad relationship and immediately running into another is a good example. Could it be good? Sure. The reality is that we rarely get something of value without some careful consideration.

Our Attachment Style is a complex recipe that is formed from a lifetime of interactions with the people in our life, the environment, events, all combined with our choices. Those successes and failures can shape us without us even realizing it. You might see these problematic attachment styles in yourself or in those you are in relationships with.

When we start asking questions like “why does this always seem to happen?” we can begin to spot our relational patterns. This leads to the development of positive coping skills and healthy forms of attachment. Where we ended up is not entirely our fault. It is our choice to continue or to improve once we know about it though. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it!